REAL RADIO

# The frequency crackles, the phantoms of times past lurking just beneath the white noise. Suddenly, a pop. Then another. The auditory static subsides, and the frequency goes dead. Then suddenly a tone, followed by another in rising pitch. Silence Again. #

Arthur: ...I think we're on air

...: The levels are registering audio, keep talking and I can adjust it.

Arthur: Hello and welcome listeners to Real Radio, the newest NLACakaNM radio station

Merlin: SOON TO BE THE COOLEST RADIO STATION IN THE WORLD, FUCK YEAH!

...: Turning Merlin down, I think you just blew a couple listener's speakers.

Merlin: you may turn down my volume, but you can't turn down my excitement!!!

Arthur: Are we all good to get going with the program?

...: Sure, the levels seem to be fine, and the signal is going out strong.

Arthur: Today Real Radio starts, a beacon of information...

Merlin: and entertainment!

Arthur: ...for the denizens of our great city.

Arthur: We start off with a segment called Bunker Nine - our in-house talkshow between myself, Arthur and my co-host, Merlin.

Merlin: HELL YEAH HERE IN THE BUNKER WITH MY HOMIE ARTHUR

...: Fuck it, I can't push Merlin any lower without muting him. I'm leaving it as is.

Merlin: I'M TOO DAMN POWERFUL FOR THESE AIRWAVES!

# On the radio, a distant shouting can be heard. It sounds like someone isn't very happy to be woken up at this hour. #

Arthur: maybe chill out a bit merlin, I don't want to be kicked out of here. not like last time.

Merlin: SHUT THE FUCK UP BOURGEOISIE SCUM, I PAY THIS RENT, I SHOUT WHEN I WANT!

...: Correction; you don't pay squat of the rent, now quiet the fuck down!

# The distant shouting becomes louder, and footsteps thunder through whatever building they're in. #

Arthur: - And I think that concludes this segment, we're going to go to tunes now.

Merlin: I'M GONNA SHOW THIS REAL ESTATE MOTHERFUC-

# The station suddenly cuts to music halfway through their sentence. #

# You feel this isn't the last you'll hear of Real Radio. #

# The slow slimejazz beat lazily spilling out of the radio subsides, and the familiar two rising tones play again. #

Arthur: Hello and welcome back listeners to Real Radio, the coolest NLACakaNM radio station

Merlin: BROADCASTING TO YOU LIVE FROM OUR NEW DIGS, COURTESY OF MR FOURTEEN!

Arthur: This is the third move *this week*, Merlin.

Merlin: I HAVE A GOOD FEELING ABOUT THIS PLACE. THE OTHER NEIGHBOURS ARE ALREADY SO LOUD, THEY WON'T EVEN NOTICE US!

Arthur: We can only hope...

Merlin: TODAY'S SEGMENT IS THE VISITORS FROM THE PIT. HOW SPOoOoOKY!

Arthur: There have been reports of immaterial beings walking the streets of NLACakaNM, something that would be big news anywhere else. Here? It just seems like Tuesday.

Merlin: I LIKE STITCHMASTER. SHE'S ALMOST AS LOUD AS I AM!

Arthur: Our extradimensional visitors seem cordial, inviting some of the more daring citizens to participate in the nebulous "Arena". I'm sure nothing could ever go wrong with that.

Merlin: NOT TO MENTION THESE POLLS SENT OUT ON SLIME TWITTER. TALK ABOUT DIVISIVE!

Arthur: Our field reporter, Zwei, has had little luck in securing one of these individuals for an interview; but keep your ears peeled dear listeners, there may be hope yet.

Merlin: IN OTHER NEWS, LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS SLIMECORP MALARKEY.

Arthur: Merlin, Mr Fourteen has been very clear about Real Radio's endorsement of SlimeCorp.

Merlin: SORRY, ABOUT THIS SLIMECORP BUSINESS.

Arthur: Many citizens today are curious about the mystery behind the newly appointment SlimeCorp Official Slimetwitter account.

Arthur: After the first account manager seemingly had a breakdown, the account has taken a new direction, posing some to believe there has been a change in management.

Merlin: I HOPE HE'S OKAY. I KINDA LIKED THAT GUY BY THE END.

Arthur: Local crackpots have sent in sightings of mysterious objects out on the Slime Sea coast. While they claim there's "metal whales climbing out of the green depths", it sounds to me like too many slimecoladas.

Merlin: THE SLIMESEA IS TERRIFYING. IMAGINE THE MONSTERS THAT LURK WITHIN.

Arthur: Really Merlin? You're over 200 years old now. When are you gonna get over that fear of yours?

Merlin: BUT JUST IMAGINE THE MURKY DEPTHS, AND THE THINGS WITH TOO MANY LEGS AND FANGS AND TENTAC-

Arthur: Ah, well it looks like we're out of time for this episode of Bunker Nine on Real Radio.

Arthur: Be sure to stay tuned for more of myself, Arthur, and my scaredy cat co-host here, Merlin.

# The program fades into an advert extolling the virtues of FUCK ENERGY for expecting women. Man, that jingle they use? So good. #

Real Radio: Episode 3

Coming Soon!